In which the right party takes place in the best wrong house possible.

Following the bluegrass pickin' party, (we were there with Robin, our producer, Mike the tour manager, Kentucky Kenan and our recently acquainted friends, Anna, Dana and Ben) we were asked to leave by the police. For some reason they got involved in the party and were quite stern about everyone getting off the land immediately after the curfew. Having no plan, we were invited to go back to Anna's house to have drinks and stay. As there were eight bodies going, it was too many for one truck, so I jumped in Kentucky's truck with Chris and the others went with Ben. Going via a gas station (they call them gas stations) to pick up beer and chips (they call them chips), we still hadn't really been out of Nashville at this point, so I for one was still surprised at the sheer scale of trucks and Coca Cola servings... on the contrary, the others were more surprised at the Corona bottles being undersized. Practically able to finish one in a couple of swigs. Deceptive... as it turned out later on.

We pulled up at a turning off the main road that winds it's way into the countryside from Downtown Nashville, and bade farewell to Kentucky Kenan, leaving us with just the one truck. It was quite a long way out, far enough for the houses to look like mansions. This was no exception. It had everything; pool, walk in wardrobe, garage bigger than my house in London, bathrooms round every corner, a bookshelf with three copies of War and Peace and a fully laid out dining table - which was odd.

The kitchen was spotless. I'm used to living in a constant state of transition between spotless and bombsite in my kitchen, but this was well and truly sparkling. After a couple of minutes of Anna searching for the lightswitch, (sure, I lose my lightswitch in my house too occasionally), we had a good look and I noticed a champagne glass full of skittles. I thought nothing of it, the surreal tangent this night was taking was making me think differently about suspicious details, especially when Ben turned on the oven and after a few minutes smoke started to billow out from the closed door. A common occurrence in new ovens. Thinking back, I'm still not sure what he was planning to cook. I remember there only being a bag of cookies, the aforementioned glasses of skittles in each room and a huge bowl of lemons. "Here, we have plenty of lemons! Let's jump off the roof!" announced Anna, with the gusto and presence of a ringmaster at the start of the circus.



As Jake, Anna and myself sat down at the beautifully presented dining table, we realised that we did have some other form of nourishment, a bag of popcorn, and a bag of genetically-altered popcorn which were all the colours of the rainbow. We chose this and served it out onto the heart shaped crockery infront of us.

As Jake and Anna were getting on like a house on fire, discussing literature, I glanced out of the open door just in time to see Chris flip into the pool in his boxers. The darkened garden beyond that had no movement at all. It was the middle of nowhere. Just trees, this mad house, the stars and the road outside.

Jake stood up and rubbed his nose on a porcelain toad sitting on the mantlepiece.
"Hello Toadle"
Turning and announcing to us, he continued;
"He was my brother, I knew him well. He's my favourite author..."
"Who was?" replied Anna.
"Adolf..."
"Hitler?!"
"Yeah! But he smells of ham."
"What's your favourite book?"
"The one about the horses and the bear...and how they find a balloon."
"Mein Kampf?"



I headed outside to the pool to find Dan and Dana sitting at the table, and I lit the lantern as it was the darkest part of the night, and a fog was rolling across the fields towards us. Slightly nervous about the qualities of an unknown fog, I stripped and jumped into the pool. I still can't dive. I never have been able to. In fact, I get nervous about jumping off things into water, even if it's a few feet above the surface. Dan is a great diver, and back in Albania we had a great time abusing the swimming pools in the hotels on tour, but when there's a diving board present I get queasy and tend to stay away from it. Dan persuaded me to try and launch myself off the end but upon arriving at the moment, my left foot got scared and just fell off the edge, I followed, ungainly smashing into the water sideways and coming up with water in my nose and ears and Dan laughing at me.

In our hosts pool, in the middle of the night, with cooling fog gradually drawing itself like a vast blanket across the stars, I felt calm and excited at the same time. There's something strange about floating in water, looking at the sky, in a place you've never been. I have experienced this exact feeling a handful of times this summer and it's a moment you want to bottle and keep, but obviously that's impossible. So, true to the cause of feeling floating cosmos oblivion, I am just going to have to end up in situations where I can do this.

Tired of jumping in and out of the pool, the popcorn eaten and a suggestion that we should put the barbeque, tables and chairs into the pool dismissed as not worth the repercussions, a giant woozy game of hide and seek ensued, with the obligatory countdown leading to some amazing hiding places being discovered, or not, as in Chris's case.
I hid on top of a massive oak wardrobe and survived a raid of inside the magnificent specimen of furniture by Dan and Jake, who never looked up, only to be busted by Dana dryly saying "there's someone on top" from the doorway.
After about two hours of searching for Chris, we gave up and fell asleep with the sun in the east starting to burn away the fog. From what I gathered the next morning. Chris had been discovered on the roof, like a crazed cat clinging on to the chimney and refusing to come down and accept that he had been 'found'. Giving up, the discoverers of his whereabouts went to bed themselves and we were all woken up in the morning by the front door opening.
A stout figure, slightly rotund with impressive whiskers stepped over the hearth and gaped.

Keep calm. It's probably her dad.

I rolled off the couch and pulled my boots on.

"Who are you? What are you doing?" he fired at us, metaphorically.
"Er... we're leaving? Who are you?"

"I'm Dick. I'm selling this house. What are you doing in it?"

OK. Panic now.

I had to remember which shower I had left my sodden clothes in. After taking them off to jump in the pool, the splash of us bounding in and out had made them just as soaked as if I had just gone in with them on.
While I was picking up items that belonged to me and my eyes were adjusting to the increasingly bad situation, I passed someone completely naked wrapped up in a carpet. You learn to just accept these things.

The last words he said to us were "You better roll your joint and get out".

So we did.